Who are they really? Gluckstein? Schlesswig? Coburg? Battenberg? Holstein? Pils? Maybe not Holstein Pils, but definitely Holstein, Schloss, Saxe, Coburg...Windsors? Is it any wonder they are confused, and without doubt, dysfunctional!

This is Britain's first family and yep, they are not even British. But let's not hold that against them, it may even be a plus! Many truly great people are not even British, but who cares about them?

These people know how to throw a party, put on a wedding and without doubt, they have the BEST funerals. Please, Hollywood, do you know how to draw an audience of half the world's population to one of your lame movies? Best box office weekend, six million?

Give me a break, Diana's funeral drew a viewing audience of 320 million and the BBC weren't even allowed to film La Familia Windsoreo, in the church. All you got was Elton John and a wooden box, and let's face it, it was the greatest television EVER. Four hours and four boxes of tissues later. It was dramatic and powerful and several hours later we got to see the star turn. No, not Elton. We had already seen him, but Her Majesty.

The Queen did make her appearance later in the proceedings. This was a very big deal, because she walked out of Buckingham Palace as the coffin passed and she made a historical neck bow as it passed. This was a big deal because no Queen, especially not this Queen, had ever done such a thing. Not ever before in the history of Queens.

It's always amazing to me that millions of people will turn out from all over the world to see a woman who doesn't sing, dance or tell jokes, and usually doesn't even smile; but merely waves a gloved hand under a wide brimmed hat. There is no-one else alive today who can command that type of universal acclaim or interest. No politician, rock star or actor.

It is a phenomenon. In the book Royally Screwed, we examine the thousand year institution to which this particular Queen belongs. An institution which was as ruthless as it was determined.

We look at the feuding Feudal system which began in England between five very powerful families and how eventually through wars and a great deal of family murders and inbreeding, one family emerged superior and held the power over the entire country.

Move along several centuries; a civil war. Two Queens are beheaded, another civil war and a King is removed from the throne and beheaded. A decade later, this man's son is brought back from France and made King, but is no longer allowed any real power, ‘We reign, not rule!' said George V, although his eldest son, Edward VIII, felt differently and tried to work a deal out with Hitler. After abdicating, he was never allowed home again, forced into exile in the Bahamas and ending his life in France, only returning to plead poverty and beg for money; and then the family sold his wife's jewellery after she died, and raised £63 million, you couldn't make this stuff up.

The world turns, war comes. Political movements thrive and then whither and yet, through it all, they survive. But does an Institution which is more longstanding than the King James Bible and Shakespeare but not quite as permanent as the Pyramids, collapse under a box of Tampax?

The truth is, it very well might. The Royals have got away with stupidity and misbehaviour in the past, but in today's need to know internet, 24-hour news society, the spotlight is forever shinning in their direction.

Former Kings may have gotten away with murder, pedophilia and mistresses, but in an extremely cash strapped society, the British public better approve of what they are paying for. He who pays the piper calls the tune, so unless you are a shining example of honesty, integrity and morality that I can hold upto my children with pride, then why are you here?

Enjoy Royally Screwed, it's my gift to the Monarchy, to the British public and the rest of the commonwealth. A gift nobody needs or wants, but as I'm no Indian giver, I don't want it back.