On our last three podcasts, we discussed 10 things that could damage your intimacy with your spouse. We dealt with the problem first because if you try to fix something without dealing with the problem, you will only have a big problem in the end.

In the next few episodes we will be discussing 10 things you can do to help improve your sex life. So let’s dive in.

Sex should not be the only time you attempt to spend with your spouse. Find out what interests them and share that with them. Find ways to connect with your spouse in a nonsexual way every day. This will build your relationship all around not only in the bedroom.

You would think that if you can have sex with your spouse, you would be able to talk about sex with your spouse. Strangely enough, that is not always the case. Talking about sex with your spouse may be very awkward, but it is a way you can make your sex life better. This allows you to discover what they like and don’t like, and vice versa. With that knowledge, you can spend your time intentionally doing things that turn them on!

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Last week we gave you more things that could be damaging or even killing your sex life. Your sex life is such an important part of your marriage and should be thriving not dying.

On our last two episodes we talked about...

Distractions

Constantly shutting down your spouse

Critical Words

Body Image

Comparison

Being Too Busy

Poor Routine

Let's look at a few more things that could be hindering your sex life.

I love the fact that I am comfortable being myself in my marriage. That is one of the many facets of marriage. It is a place to be loved unconditionally, even the imperfect side of me that no one else sees. However, we can take comfort too far.

During the dating phase, you probably would have literally died if you farted or burped in front of the other person. You definitely didn’t let them in the bathroom while you occupied it. You didn’t go around scratching whatever itched or wearing dirty clothes. Yet, we do these very things in marriage and wonder why our spouses aren’t throwing themselves on us.

Let’s be comfortable, but not take it too far. Set back up some of the dating boundaries and you might get some of the dating attention.

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. 1 Corinthians 7:3-4

Being selfish is easy to do, it is our human nature. It is our natural response to focus on what we want or need. Unfortunately, selfishness can also be an intimacy killer. If your only goal in the bedroom is to fulfill your needs, that is not very alluring for the other person. Sex in marriage needs to be a place where both people are being satisfied.

We saved the most dangerous sex life killer for last. Using sex as a weapon is the quickest way to kill intimacy in your marriage. Sex is a gift, not a prize. Sex should never be withheld due to bad behavior, or as a prize for good behavior. In the sanctity of marriage, sex should never be conditional. It is a privilege we get to enjoy in marriage, not earn.

Sex Life Killers Part 2

Last week we gave you three things that could be damaging or even killing your sex life. Your sex life is such an important part of your marriage and should be thriving not dying.

On our last episode we talked about...

1. Distractions

2. Constantly shutting down your spouse

3. Critical Words

Let's look at a few more things that could be hindering your sex life.

Comparison is a relationship killer in general. It has the ability to take a person who has so much and make them believe they have nothing. Comparison always leaves you feeling less-than. Comparison can kill intimacy on multiple levels.

Pushing through this can be hard, but we were never meant to be like other people. Your spouse didn’t choose someone else. They chose and love you. Don’t let comparison steal your intimacy.

Comparison is a great segue to our next point. A lot of people simply let themselves go and do not take care of their bodies after marriage. One major sex life killer can be refusing to take care of our bodies after we get married. The pressure to “win” a spouse is off, so we get lazy and sloppy.

NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY – We are not saying you have to be bone skinny or have six-pack abs for the rest of your life to be happily married. That is impossible, BUT you can take care of yourself. You can be healthy.

If I had to guess, you probably have a to-do list that is a mile long. This world glorifies busyness. If you are overwhelmed, unrested, and unhealthy, clearly you are a go-getter who will be happy and successful someday.

If you are too busy to have sex, you are too busy. Prioritize your marriage and your spouse. Choose them over a to-do list. The list will be there tomorrow, and after good sex, you may be more energized to get it accomplished.

Another sex life killer is falling into a poor routine. Always doing the same thing is boring. Spice things up. Do it in a different place, at a different time of day. If you have to schedule sex to make sure it is a priority, that is fine but be creative about everything else. It doesn’t always have to be the same old sex. Sex can be scheduled, intentional, and yet exciting. It just takes a little planning and prep.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

Sex is a great thing! Most people spend the majority of their single lives trying to get as much of it as possible. But there is a problem that can happen in marriage… Once married, you can have sex all you want…but for many people and for many different reasons sex stops… join us as we talk about the things that can kill off a good sex life.

What the Word Says about Sex in Marriage

Your spring water is for you and you only, not to be passed around among strangers. Bless your fresh-flowing fountain! Enjoy the wife you married as a young man! Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose—don’t ever quit taking delight in her body. Never take her love for granted! Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a prostitute? for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?

Proverbs 5:18-20

Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it’s for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it.

1 Corinthians 7:5

What are you doing when you and your spouse are together? Are you on your phone, watching tv, or preoccupied with something else? Distractions can take up a large portion of our day if we are not careful.

Instead of coming home and picking up the remote or your phone, maybe come home and try to “pick up” your spouse.

One thing that could be severely hurting your sex life is constant shutdowns. Is your spouse putting the offer on the table only to walk away rejected? Sometimes sex can’t happen for a variety of reasons, but why not take advantage of the times it can? I know you may not “feel like it”, but instead of saying no all the time, honor your spouse by saying yes. The fact that they are pursuing you shows they are attracted to you and want to be with you.

What is the atmosphere of your home like? Is it a life-giving place where you feel safe to be yourself? Or is it a critical place where you or your spouse feel like you are walking on eggshells? What words are you predominantly speaking to each other? Are they positive or critical? If you are constantly being critical toward your spouse, they will not want to show intimacy towards you. Change your words, change your sex life.

Join us on the next episode as we will give you more things that could be damaging to your sex life!

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com

John J. Beckley once said, “Most people don’t plan to fail, they fail to plan.” This can be applied to every area of life. No one wakes up in the morning and plans to fail. Every marriage has dreams and goals. The problems come when we fail to make a plan to make those dreams and goals a reality. Without a plan with intentional steps, most if not all, dreams and goals will go unaccomplished, and we don’t want that to happen in your marriage.

Join us for this episode as we give you a 4 Step Marriage Plan to help accomplish your goals and dreams.

Sit down with your spouse and dream together. Take as long as you need on this step. Some dreams come to mind instantly, but others often come with process time. Take a few days both together and separately to pray and think through what your dreams are for your marriage.

Why would we ask you to identify obstacles right after you have identified your dreams? So you can come up with strategies to overcome those obstacles. This is probably the most critical step in this process because we all have obstacles, and it is easy to get overwhelmed and give up when we come across one.

Once you have your dream, and the strategy for the obstacles, plot out your next steps together. These steps will be specific actions that will need to take place to accomplish the dream, and who is responsible for those actions.

Don’t assume you and your spouse are on the same page here. Be very specific in who is responsible for what, that way both of you can walk out the steps appropriately.

Now that you have the dream, and the steps to accomplish it, make it measurable. Set a deadline to have the dream accomplished, but make sure the deadline is feasible. For example, if your dream is to be debt free, but you can’t accomplish that dream in 6 months, don’t set a 6-month deadline.

Make your deadlines attainable. This will bring joy when the deadline is met, instead of frustration when it isn’t. Set yourself up for success.

You may have a lot of dreams and plans for your marriage. If that is the case, don’t get overwhelmed. You can only accomplish something one thing at a time. So pick a few dreams, accomplish them, and then pick some more and repeat.

The 10 Commandments for Blended Families

In the same way Jesus summarized the law and the prophets in two great commandments, so the 10CBF can be summarized in what I call the 2 Pillars:
1. Be the adult you want your child(ren) to become.
2. Remember the Golden Rule and treat others the way you want to be treated.

I. Communicate Well - Over communicate with all adults involved: choose a format/technology that works, and use it. When in doubt, communicate about it.

II. Always Show Respect - Be respectful, calm, and patient with everyone involved, even if
you’re the only one doing it.

III. Use Discernment - Learn to choose your battles very carefully: differentiate between
personal dislikes and ‘red flag’ issues.

IV. Give Way Graciously - Be willing to graciously give way on minor issues. Yes, this comes
with risk, but it’s still the right thing to do sometimes.

V. Choose to Believe the Best - Choose to believe the best about the other household, and be sure to celebrate and acknowledge it when you see it

VI. Express Genuine Gratitude - Be sure to show gratitude as often as possible whenever a joint agreement is reached, even on minor matters.

VII. Model Maturity and Wisdom - Remember every day that you are the adult, and your task is to model maturity and wisdom for your children. Your task is NOT to ‘win’, get revenge, or even get your own way.

VIII. Ask for Help - Get help before a frustration becomes a full-blown crisis. Ask for 3rd-party help from a counselor, pastor, neutral friend, or someone else that all parties are comfortable with.

IX. Use Discretion - Be careful about what you say to or in front of your children or others
outside your family. Work through your personal issues on your time, NOT in front of or by
involving the children.

X. Be Consistent - Be as consistent as possible at both (or all) houses in all areas of life. Also
remember that total consistency is impossible, even in traditional families.

Joel was educated at Covenant College, Joel Hawbaker is a former teacher and soccer
coach, now working in telecom sales when he’s not speaking with or coaching
blended families. He has two daughters from his first marriage, and he and his wife
Maryellyn recently celebrated their tenth anniversary. They have a toddler
daughter, and they are expecting their first son this October. The family lives in
Alabama with their two rescue dogs, Butterscotch and Bruiser. You can find more resources about blended families at...

• social media (Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and IG:) @joelwhawbaker
• website (www.stepdadding.com)
• podcast (10CBF: A Podcast for Blended Families on Apple Podcasts)
• email: joel@joelwhawbaker.com

There are times when decisions must be made quickly, but this is not the norm. In most cases, we put unnecessary stress on ourselves and on our marriage by trying to make the decision as quickly as possible. Once you and your spouse have all the information and have had a chance to really talk about it, pause the conversation. Make an intentional decision to give yourself and your spouse some time to go through the next four steps to make a good decision.

In most situations, people spend the most time thinking about how they want to handle the situation. They are quick to dismiss anyone else’s opinion, and their spouse is no exception. However, if we are going to make a wise decision, one that will benefit our family the most, we must work together with our spouse.

Once both opinions have been communicated out, take some time to process the information. Weight your options to figure out what would be the best decision. This step can take as little or as much time as you need. The main thing here is to just make sure you have all the information to make the best decision you can.

This is the most important step of all. We need to be prayerful about the decisions that we need to make. The truth is God wants to be a part of our lives. He wants to be a part of the little decisions as much as He wants to be a part of the big ones.

The Word tell us in James 1:5 that if we lack wisdom we should pray and ask for it. We serve a good God who wants to give us good gifts and wisdom is definitely one of them. Praying together with your spouse is a great way to deepen your connection as husband and wife. There is something very special about hearing your spouse talk to God. It is a great reminder that they do have your best interest at heart and want to do what is right for their families.

If praying is not something that you and your spouse do often check out The Greater than 11Prayer Challenge. There are so many benefits to praying together with your spouse, and this challenge will help you become intentional about praying together every day.

The final step is acting on the decision you have made. If you take the time to really go through these steps with your spouse, you will be in a much better position to make a wise decision, even if it’s a hard one.

The best-case scenario is you and your spouse come to a full agreement through this process and you can proceed together. However, I have found that in the moments where the full agreement does not come, there is still a peace. If I know that Alex has really thought about and prayed about something, it is easier for me to trust him even if I am not in full agreement. I can do this because I fully trust he has my best interest at heart, he has spoken to the Father about it, and he would never make a decision that would intentionally hurt us.

Whether or not you come out on the same page or not, I can promise you that if you use these five steps in a positive way, they will bring you closer to each other. A trust and deepen connection will form between you and your spouse.

Try to wait and only make a hard decision after you have been able to eat and rest. This is just something Alex and I have realized in our own personal lives. We do not make the best decisions if we are tired or hungry. Once we have gotten some food and some rest, we are in a much better place to make wise decisions. In fact, we are just able to communicate better as a whole after a good meal and some rest.

www.abeautifuladventuremarriage.com