“It’s different now and that’s OK,” says Abel Keogh, author, blogger, relationship coach and host of YouTube channel Widower Wednesday. Abel became a widower 21 years ago at the age of 26 when his wife took her own life while she was seven months pregnant. He started anonymously blogging during that first year as a widower, sharing his experiences and awkward dating stories. The blog soon took off as there were virtually no other resources for widowers at the time. After receiving so many of the same questions and issues from widowers and the women dating them, he began writing his first of six books, “Room for two.” 

Abel and his current wife Julianna have been married for 20 years and share seven children, and their needs and challenges–like all couples in their situation–continue to grow and change throughout the course of the relationship. Men’s need to act as “fixers'' can negatively influence their ability to choose a new partner. Second wives struggle with wanting to be number one in their husbands lives without being insensitive to the memory of the deceased. It takes work to move on and be happy in what Abel calls Chapter Two. Learning how to set boundaries is crucial.

Grief is no excuse for insensitivity and bad behavior, Mathew and Abel agree. When entering into a new relationship with a widower, it is crucial for both parties to trust their gut instincts. Abel discusses the very common mistake widowers make on social media which can and has destroyed relationships. 

Quotes

• “People were reaching out to me because I was the only resource out there at the time…a steady flow of people, mostly women, asking me, ‘Help me out here.’” (6:41-7:13 | Abel)
• “We both know timelines don't matter in grief. But there is something about the first year, of getting through all the firsts.” (11:51-11:58 | Mathew)
• ‘The guys that I talk to, there's this spark inside of them, where they want to move forward, but they don't know how to do it...they're looking for some kind of direction. ‘Well, how do I start?’ ” (18:03-18:50 | Abel)
• “A lot of the time, the relationship kind of revolves around the widower, and the person that's dating them feels like they’re living in the shadow of a ghost.” (26:50-27:08 | Abel)
• ‘If you marry a widower, you can be number one in his heart, but there's always going to be…this reminder that there's someone else there.” (28:42-29:03 | Abel)
• “You've got to reach a point where you can kind of say goodbye to your late spouse, where you can put some of that stuff away and open your heart again. It's wonderful to do.I love my Chapter Two, it's easily the best years of my life, but it's hard to get there.” (47:02-47:20 | Abel)

Links

Connect with Abel Keogh:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/abelkeoghbooks

Instagram: @abelkeogh

Twitter: @abelkeogh

YouTube: @datingawidower https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpXeMMk-_IcJMLVQwND4zHw

Email: www.abelkeogh.com/contact

Podcast production and show notes provided by HiveCast.fm