Here are some typical defensive responses to some legitimate  complaints.

“I felt like you were making fun of me at dinner with our friends tonight. I was embarrassed.”

“Don’t be so sensitive I wasn’t making fun of you. Everyone thought it was funny. You’ve made jokes about me at dinner before. I don’t know what the big deal is. Nobody thinks less of you.” 

“I need more help around the house. I feel so overwhelmed with so many things to do.”

“Oh, and I don’t? I’m just as busy as you are. I never do anything, right do I? I do a whole lot more than most  spouses.”

“You made decisions without talking to me about it first. Don’t I have a say?”

“So, I have to get permission to do anything now? It’s no big deal. You don’t talk to me about every decision that you make.” 

The response of defensiveness is the result of anticipating or perceiving a threat. When we try to counter or deny criticisms in areas, we feel sensitive. It is a way of emotionally protecting ourselves. We are defensive when we think our values, identity, or worth are questioned. Our brain goes into fight or flight mode when we think we might be in trouble. We perceive an attack, whether there is one or not.

Defensiveness may come across as being difficult, but it usually is just a self-protective response. Our natural impulse is to defend ourselves against the threat posed by being challenged on an issue. 

Usually, one party acts defensively, and the other party responds defensively. Then there is a defensive volley back and forth. And nothing gets resolved. Defensiveness becomes a roadblock. 

Instead of the issue being the issue, it gets mired down in who is right and who is wrong. It undermines our ability to identify a problem and act to solve it. 

So, let’s talk about what causes some of our defensive behaviors. They can be complicated. Our behavior patterns come from emotional, mental, or personality issues or habits developed over our lives. Low self-esteem, narcissism, feelings of abandonment, or trauma that has left you hyper-vigilant to any perceived threat can be hallmarks of defensive behaviors. You may have seen the volley of defensiveness played out in your home, and it might be all you know. None of these are excuses, but understanding what is behind what we do is vital to changing negative behavior patterns. 

The Gottman Institute calls defensiveness one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that predicts the end of relationships. Whether the accusation is fair or not, defensiveness shifts the blame and doesn’t find a solution to the issue. Consequently, conflicts don’t get resolved. 

Join me as I discuss dealing with what is behind your own defensiveness as well as the best way to bring up a conflict to keep from getting a defensive response. 

Complete transcript of the podcast can be found at http://reviveyourmidlifemarriage.com/85