Two competing ideas exist: (1) that all polyamorous people don't get jealous and (2) that all polyamorous people get jealous but are just really good at processing their anxieties and talking about their feelings with their partners. In reality, both things are true--many poly people get jealous, and many poly people just don't. In this episode, Julie discusses the complexities and implications of these differences for individuals, relationships, and the poly/BDSM subculture.

Referenced in this episode:

⁠Diagram of non-monogamies⁠

⁠Wheel of Emotions

Trigger warnings: childhood trauma in general terms, mental illness (especially Borderline Personality Disorder), and relationship dissolution/divorce

Relationship attachment theory has become increasingly popular in Queer communities, but in this episode, Julie explains that the science doesn't really support the enthusiasm. However, one category is perhaps a bit more valid from a scientific perspective than the other three: disorganized attachment (anxious-avoidant). This episode reviews some of the history of relationship attachment theory, critiques its research methods, and proposes that using a behaviorist/learned helplessness framework for understanding relationship patterns can often be much more helpful than the psychoanalytic framework it originated from. It also discusses some of the reasons why relationship attachment theory is so compelling for many Queers (who have often been failed by the mental health establishment), with calls for more research on mental illness dynamics in romantic relationships. ⁠

Wikipedia history of attachment theory

⁠⁠Borderline personality in men

⁠⁠Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) ⁠

⁠Summary of disorganized attachment in relationships⁠

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Drawing heavily on the research she conducted from 2012-17 in the BDSM (Bondage & Discipline, Dominance and submission, Sadism & Masochism) subculture, in this episode Julie analyzes the way that gender is broadly connected to BDSM roles. Generally speaking, masculinity is tied to dominance, femininity is tied to submission, and queerness is tied to switching. This episode also discusses some about the way age and desirability intersect with gender and BDSM roles.

Mentioned in this episode: ⁠

Please Scream Quietly: A Story of Kink by Julie Fennell (2022)⁠⁠

The Night Is Young by Hector Carrillo (2001)⁠

Blog posts on Fetlife for who actually benefits the most from BDSM scene involvement:

⁠part 1⁠ and ⁠part 2