We talk a lot about the positive aspects of family meals, but in reality, eating dinner together isn't always the safe, warm experience we want it to be. For many people, trauma is an unwelcome guest at the table. To find out why that might be, and how to make dinner feel safer, Bri and Annie talk with therapist, author, and trauma expert Dr. Marti Straus.

Marti begins by explaining that trauma is a response to stressful experiences, not a single event. She distinguishes between what she calls "Big T trauma" and "little t trauma," or a specific very upsetting event (such as a car accident or assault) vs. a series of possibly less noticeable, repeated stressful events over time (such as bullying at school, neglect, often going hungry, etc). Marti stresses that these repeated "little t traumas" can add up to developmental trauma in children, which can then also be compounded by mealtimes where the caregiver who is supposed to provide for the child may be unpredictable, unreliable, or even dangerous.

Marti and Annie both agree, in their roles as therapists, that mealtimes can be especially complex for children with developmental trauma because of the mixed signals -- the conflict between dinner as an inherently nurturing activity, and a parent or caregiver who is not behaving in nurturing ways. The stress of that situation, they say, can follow people into adulthood and make it difficult for parents with their own traumatic histories at dinner to create a safe and welcoming mealtime routine for their own kids. Both share examples and solutions from their own therapy practices with families to help make meals more comfortable and safe for everyone.

Bri also asks Marti for insight into how neurodivergence intersects with trauma at the table. Marti explains that often, the demands of family meals can be harmful or traumatic to a neurodivergent child who is being expected to behave in a more "typical" way. Lack of responsiveness to the child's sensory and behavioral needs can cause developmental trauma. She explains how parents can envision the kind of relationship they want to nurture with their children at the table, and how to co-regulate for more positive meals.

The trio end on recommendations for food, fun, and conversation: Bri suggests a mac and cheese bar to make a familiar comfort food more interesting and varied for the whole family, while Marti offers a quick and easy activity to help transition to the table without anxiety. Annie finishes the episode by encouraging families to talk about what makes us feel comfortable and safe.

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Bri and Annie dive into the difficulties of domestic labor -- who's doing what, who bears the brunt of making family dinners happen, and what can be done about uneven distributions of labor in our households.

Taking on the cultural criticism of family meals as anti-feminist, Annie points out that the role of The Family Dinner Project has always been to try to encourage people not to create perfect, retro-style family meals that require women to spend hours in the kitchen doing all the work. Instead, the goal is to create meaningful and joyful experiences where everyone contributes, and we work towards building families where the kids will grow up with the ability to take ownership of dinner-related tasks -- regardless of gender and outdated expectations.

Bri remembers speaking with fatherhood expert Dr. Anthony Chambers about the shifting roles of men in two-parent households, and she and Annie discuss whether there is a new trend towards men sharing the load. They agree that while the face of domestic labor has changed, and men are definitely contributing more than in generations past, there's still a lot of ground to cover on the invisible labor front. Annie shares thoughts on how couples might navigate discussions around more equitable division of household chores, while Bri points out that help can be found in many places -- kids, friends, neighbors, and creating a broader "village."

They finish the episode by recommending listeners check out this list of "no-fail" dinner ideas that can be delegated to other members of the household; these grocery store scavenger hunts for both younger kids and teenagers; and the graphic on their site, with helpful prompts for couples who want to plan for a more egalitarian household routine.

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On this episode of The Family Dinner Project Podcast, Bri and Dr. Anne Fishel are joined by Dr. Evelyna Kambanis for a deep dive into the world of picky eating, ARFID, eating disorders, and more.

Dr. Evelyna Kambanis is a Clinical & Research Fellow at the Eating Disorders Clinical and Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital. Her research and clinical interests focus on avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). She helps walk us through the differences between developmentally normal picky eating, which occurs in most children, and feeding issues that may signal a problem warranting medical help. Evelyna breaks down the clinical definition of ARFID -- Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder -- and how parents can tell when picky eating has become something more concerning. She also helps shed light on the possible red flags parents may see at the dinner table when a child has ARFID or is in danger of developing another type of eating disorder, such as anorexia.

As always, we end the episode with food, fun, and conversation suggestions to help families who may be dealing with ARFID, sensory sensitivities, and other types of feeding challenges at their family dinner tables. The Family Dinner Project's Welcoming Table initiative has plenty of resources to help, but families are also encouraged to reach out with questions or concerns. Families dealing with extreme picky eating may also benefit from Evelyna's suggested resource, The Picky Eaters Recovery Book.

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In Episode 3, "Family Dinner During May Madness," we're talking about one of the busiest times of year - the end of the school year, when family calendars overflow and dinner is the last thing on anyone's mind. Bri and Dr. Fishel chat about some of the concerns with overscheduling, as well as the benefits of allowing kids to explore extracurricular activities and interests, and how this time of year can be an opportunity to look at family time differently.

They also discuss the pressure to do it all and be a perfect parent, and how to start pushing back against the increasing overwhelm, including smart conversation starters to help everyone in the family gauge how they're doing with managing stress. And of course, they share practical tips and ideas to help families get a "family dinner" experience on the busiest nights, whether that's sharing food, fun, and conversation at the local ice cream shop; splitting dinner up into shifts; sharing a snack at a more opportune time of day; or scheduling a family meal in advance so everyone can plan for it.

The episode wraps up with food (make-ahead and freezer friendly meals), fun (a photo caption contest on the go), and conversation ideas (If you were free to do anything you wanted tomorrow, what would you do?).

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In Episode 2, "Is it the Family, or the Dinner?" we dive into one of the trickiest topics in family dinner research: How to tell whether it's really eating together that offers a variety of physical, mental, social, and academic benefits, or whether it just so happens that families who eat together already practice healthy habits. Dr. Fishel outlines the various types of research that have been done on this topic over the past two and a half decades, and covers the scientific methods that back up the results. Together, she and Bri talk through how researchers in different countries, controlling for different factors, have all come to similar conclusions over time -- that eating meals together does benefit families, independent of anything else parents may do.

Dr. Fishel covers some of the main benefits of family dinners, as well as discussing multiple studies in the field of family meal research. Some of the specific research she mentions can be accessed in more detail:

• A large cross-sectional study showing association between family dinners and reduced high-risk behaviors in teens, that controls for characteristics of the family like being organized and connected. 
• Longitudinal study looking at the quality of the family dinner atmosphere to predict physical and mental health benefits from age 6 to age 10. 
• Randomized study looking at impact of distraction on healthy food consumption and another study on impact of spending extra minutes at the table on eating more fruits and vegetables.
• A recent study that looks at the impact of frequency and quality of family dinner on kids and adults.

The episode wraps with food (Build Your Own meals), fun (20 Questions About a Family Memory), and conversation (Tell me something about yourself you think I might not know).

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On the first episode of The Family Dinner Project Podcast, Bri DeRosa and Dr. Anne Fishel dig into the tricky question of what to do when gathering with family for the holidays feels complicated. Will there be tension at the dinner table? Political or ideological differences that make it hard to stay merry? Does it even feel safe to go home for the holidays?

Dr. Fishel shares strategies and advice from her decades of experience in family therapy. From neutralizing tension with smart ideas for games and conversation starters that distract from differences, to offering wisdom and solace for families who are dealing with estrangement this holiday season, she offers plenty of ways to make the holidays work for you, no matter what your family dynamics look like. She and Bri also delve into pop culture with a discussion of the viral Christmas dinner episode of Hulu's "The Bear." (No wonder Carmy didn't want to go home for the holidays!) They wrap up the conversation with their recommendations for holiday food (latkes), fun (a holiday dinner scavenger hunt), and conversation (Who do you wish could join us for the holidays, who isn't present this year?). Whether you're looking forward to a family holiday celebration this year, or just trying to survive a complicated season, The Family Dinner Project Podcast has ideas you can use.

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