Chapter 9. And then you die

Marc says death scares us; because we avoid thinking about it, talking about it, and sometimes even acknowledging it, even when it’s happening to someone close to us.

Marc here shares the example of Becker’s most influential intellectual book. The denial of death. Becker argued that we are all aware at some level that our physical self will eventually die, and death is inevitable, and that is our biggest fear.

To compensate for this fear, we try to construct a conceptual self that will live forever. Therefore, people try so hard to put their names on buildings, statues, and spines of books. All the meaning in our life is shaped by this innate desire never to die.

In ancient Greek and Roman history, people were to keep death in mind to appreciate life more and remain humble in the face of adversity. Likewise, in various forms of Buddhism, the practice of meditation is often taught as a means of preparing for death while staying alive.

Marc says we all need to learn to accept death and make the thought of our own death lighter. This can be done by identifying and confronting our entitlement, taking problems of our problems, suffering through fears and uncertainties, accepting failures, and embracing rejections.

So this was the book that I have tried to implement entirely in my life, and I am thrilled with the result.

The only way to achieve meaning and a sense of importance in one’s life is through rejection of alternatives, narrowing freedom, and a choice of commitment to one place, belief, and person.

People can’t solve problems for us and should not try as that won’t make us happy. Likewise, we can’t solve other people’s problems because that won’t make them happy.

People who blame others for their actions and emotions do so because they believe they constantly paint themselves as victims. Eventually, someone will come along and save them. They will receive the love they have always wanted.

People who take the blame for other people’s actions and emotions do so because they believe if they fix their partner and save them, they will receive the love and appreciation they have always wanted.

For victims, the hardest thing to do is hold themselves accountable for their problems. They have spent their whole life believing others are responsible for their fate. Taking responsibility is terrifying to them.

For savers, the hardest thing to do is stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems. They have spent their whole life feeling valued and loved only when saving somebody else. Letting go of this is terrifying to them as well.

There is a difference between doing something out of obligation and voluntarily. So there is a test to check the difference.

Ask yourself these questions: How would the relationship change if I refused? And If my partner refused something I wanted, how would the shift in relationship?

If the answer is that a refusal would cause a blowout of drama, it’s a bad sign of a relationship. That means the connection is conditional based on superficial benefits rather than unconditional acceptance of each other.

People with solid boundaries understand that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other hundred percent and fulfill every need the other has.

How to build trust? Without conflict, there can be no trust. Conflict shows us who is there for us unconditionally and who is there for the benefits. For a relationship to be healthy, both people must be willing and able to say no and hear no.

Commitment gives us freedom because it hones our attention and focus, directing us toward what is most efficient at making us healthy and happy. Commitment allows us to focus intently on critical goals and achieve tremendous success.

Chapter 7. Failure is the way forward

Improvement at anything is based on thousands of tiny failures, and the magnitude of our success is based on how many times we have failed at something.

If someone is better than us, it’s likely because she has failed at it more than we have. If someone is worse than us, it’s likely because he has not been through all of the painful learning experiences we have.

A young child trying to learn to walk will fall and hurt himself many times, but at no point does the child thinks that walking is not for him and I am not good at it.

Most of us reach a place where we are afraid to fail, and we start avoiding failure.

We can be truly successful at something we are willing to fail at. If we are unwilling to die, then we are reluctant to succeed.

Many people, when they feel some form of pain or anger or sadness, drop everything and attend to numbing out whatever they are feeling.

They aim to return to feeling good as quickly as possible, even if that means returning to their shitty values.

Marc shares the learning from his Maths teacher that if you are stuck on a problem, don’t just sit and think about it. Instead, start working on it.

Even if you don’t know what you are doing, working on it will eventually cause the right ideas to appear in your head.

Don’t just sit there. Do something. The answers will follow.

Action is always within our reach. We can become our source of motivation. We can become our source of inspiration. And with simply doing something as our only metric of success- then failure pushes us forward.