• What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Doesn’t) by Nancy Guthrie

  • 2024/10/27
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What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Doesn’t) by Nancy Guthrie

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  • What can you say to those who grieve? What can you do for those who have lost a loved one? How can you do all that without coming off as an insensitive oaf? If only they would tell us how to comfort them.Hi, my name is Terence, and I’m your host for Reading and Readers, a podcast where I review books for you. Today, I review “What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Doesn’t)” by Nancy Guthrie. One hundred ninety-two pages, published by Crossway in September 2016. Available in Amazon Kindle for USD 9.97 and in Logos for USD 12.98.## Grieving Mother and FriendsNancy Guthrie has published ten books on Bible studies, six on Grief and Suffering, nine devotionals and many more. In today’s book, she writes as a mother who has grieved for two children, Hope and Gabriel. Both were born with a rare genetic disorder, Zellweger Syndrome, and only lived for six months.She is acquainted with grief and with others who grieve. She introduces us to the GriefShare ministry, I quote:> When your friend attends a GriefShare group, he or she will be surrounded by others who are working their way through grief too — people who understand the tears and fears, the angst and anger, the questions and frustrations of grief. It can be such an unexpected and welcome relief just to be surrounded by people who get it.GriefShare facilitators and members are prominently featured in the book. You can almost consider them co-authors or Guthrie, a curator.This comes across as a writing project from the community of the grieving who want everybody outside this circle to know how to walk alongside them. They have been helped. They have been hurt. And this is their collected wisdom. So, let me start by telling you two ways I got grief wrong.## Call Me If You Need AnythingFirst, I thought it was good of me to say, “Just call me if you need anything.”Then I read this:> I will never forget the line of people at the cemetery. They passed by hugging my mother and all seven of my siblings as we put Daddy in the ground. All the words blur together, except that they would be there for us. I remember wondering what they meant. The following spring, after Daddy was buried, one neighbor drove up our mile drive and asked what he could do. Any fences need fixing? Any chores the boys need help with? He just came. Every time he came I remember thinking about that line of people at the graveside. They were loving people who meant well. This man did well. He just came. I don’t remember if he ever actually had to do anything. But he came and offered his strength to help. I reflected on this, and I realised that while I was sincere in my offer to help -- if I got the call, I would have dropped everything to help -- I also realised that when I gave that offer, I thought I had already done my part, my job. Now, it was up to them to take up my offer. By giving up the initiative, I was off the hook. By passing the initiative to them, I was passing on the burden to them of asking for help.## Click to Like My GriefAnother thing I got wrong is about grief on social media. I was surprised to find a whole chapter on this.When I see someone share their grief online, I don’t usually comment or like the post. If it’s a person I know well enough, I would write a personal message.My reason is:1. If I am not close to the person, I think it’s hypocritical to show up to make a quick comment or click on a sad emoji.2. I see social media as a frivolous medium. People are flippant and shallow on social media, but grief deserves a more solemn medium.3. When I make a public comment or post on social media, I realise that I write not just to my friends but also to everybody else. So, this sense of performing for onlookers seems wrong when dealing with a tremendous personal loss.4. I am a private man and not the type to express my grief publicly. So, when I refrain from responding to social media posts, I am applying the golden rule: I am treating others as I would like to be treated.After reading this chapter, I realised it’s not about me; it’s about the one who has suffered loss. Love is also treating others how they would like to be treated.They have already made their grief public. That gives permission to everyone to respond publicly; that is an invitation to acknowledge their grief with a click or a comment. She writes:> to neglect or refuse to comment on a post by a friend who has poured out his or her sadness on Facebook is to see their great sorrow and look the other way.And if I excuse myself because I'm not their close friend, that's convenient because I don't have any close friends, I'm joking, I do have friends, close enough I think. Anyways, I was surprised to repeatedly read how close friends were disappointments and strangers became treasures. We don't need to be close to care, just as the Samaritan man didn't have a checklist before he decided to help people.## Everything is WrongI learnt many things...
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What can you say to those who grieve? What can you do for those who have lost a loved one? How can you do all that without coming off as an insensitive oaf? If only they would tell us how to comfort them.Hi, my name is Terence, and I’m your host for Reading and Readers, a podcast where I review books for you. Today, I review “What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (and What Really Doesn’t)” by Nancy Guthrie. One hundred ninety-two pages, published by Crossway in September 2016. Available in Amazon Kindle for USD 9.97 and in Logos for USD 12.98.## Grieving Mother and FriendsNancy Guthrie has published ten books on Bible studies, six on Grief and Suffering, nine devotionals and many more. In today’s book, she writes as a mother who has grieved for two children, Hope and Gabriel. Both were born with a rare genetic disorder, Zellweger Syndrome, and only lived for six months.She is acquainted with grief and with others who grieve. She introduces us to the GriefShare ministry, I quote:> When your friend attends a GriefShare group, he or she will be surrounded by others who are working their way through grief too — people who understand the tears and fears, the angst and anger, the questions and frustrations of grief. It can be such an unexpected and welcome relief just to be surrounded by people who get it.GriefShare facilitators and members are prominently featured in the book. You can almost consider them co-authors or Guthrie, a curator.This comes across as a writing project from the community of the grieving who want everybody outside this circle to know how to walk alongside them. They have been helped. They have been hurt. And this is their collected wisdom. So, let me start by telling you two ways I got grief wrong.## Call Me If You Need AnythingFirst, I thought it was good of me to say, “Just call me if you need anything.”Then I read this:> I will never forget the line of people at the cemetery. They passed by hugging my mother and all seven of my siblings as we put Daddy in the ground. All the words blur together, except that they would be there for us. I remember wondering what they meant. The following spring, after Daddy was buried, one neighbor drove up our mile drive and asked what he could do. Any fences need fixing? Any chores the boys need help with? He just came. Every time he came I remember thinking about that line of people at the graveside. They were loving people who meant well. This man did well. He just came. I don’t remember if he ever actually had to do anything. But he came and offered his strength to help. I reflected on this, and I realised that while I was sincere in my offer to help -- if I got the call, I would have dropped everything to help -- I also realised that when I gave that offer, I thought I had already done my part, my job. Now, it was up to them to take up my offer. By giving up the initiative, I was off the hook. By passing the initiative to them, I was passing on the burden to them of asking for help.## Click to Like My GriefAnother thing I got wrong is about grief on social media. I was surprised to find a whole chapter on this.When I see someone share their grief online, I don’t usually comment or like the post. If it’s a person I know well enough, I would write a personal message.My reason is:1. If I am not close to the person, I think it’s hypocritical to show up to make a quick comment or click on a sad emoji.2. I see social media as a frivolous medium. People are flippant and shallow on social media, but grief deserves a more solemn medium.3. When I make a public comment or post on social media, I realise that I write not just to my friends but also to everybody else. So, this sense of performing for onlookers seems wrong when dealing with a tremendous personal loss.4. I am a private man and not the type to express my grief publicly. So, when I refrain from responding to social media posts, I am applying the golden rule: I am treating others as I would like to be treated.After reading this chapter, I realised it’s not about me; it’s about the one who has suffered loss. Love is also treating others how they would like to be treated.They have already made their grief public. That gives permission to everyone to respond publicly; that is an invitation to acknowledge their grief with a click or a comment. She writes:> to neglect or refuse to comment on a post by a friend who has poured out his or her sadness on Facebook is to see their great sorrow and look the other way.And if I excuse myself because I'm not their close friend, that's convenient because I don't have any close friends, I'm joking, I do have friends, close enough I think. Anyways, I was surprised to repeatedly read how close friends were disappointments and strangers became treasures. We don't need to be close to care, just as the Samaritan man didn't have a checklist before he decided to help people.## Everything is WrongI learnt many things...
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