Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child
• 6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent
• 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee
• 10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority
• 11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution
• 15:50 How to give feedback to your partner
  • I have an idea that might work for you
  • Is there something I can do to help out here
  • Set the stage - I respect that you are doing the best you can
• 18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house
• 20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent
• 22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well
• 26:00 Golden nuggets from Leslie
  • The qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes later
  • The idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressure
  • Focusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting
• 28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public
• 29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process
• 36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it
• 38:30 The Three Step Apology
  • State what you did
  • state how you it affected the child and yourself
  • Make an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time
• 40:45 Power struggles with your child
• 41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in training

Resources:

• Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step Apology
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur