In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma.

Time Stamps

4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation

9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPT

• You are working to create corrective learning
• Trauma treatment is really tough, its like psychology Iron Man
• In vivo exposures - learning to do the things that are hard for you to do
• Imaginal exposures - where you talk about the trauma
• Processing - what can you learn from your exposures and how can you shift your perspective

14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame

14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions

16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child

17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior

18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t. DON”T make assumptions about your child

19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning

20:55 When shame is very visible in your child -

• If a child hides their face or hides under covers
• They say “I’m bad”
• You can use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake?”

21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions

22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions

22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school”

25:25 The benefits of Observational learning

26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child

28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child

31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentness

Leslie-ism: When expressing disappointment to your child, a light touch is enough.

Resources:

Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP)

E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinic

How to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter

Trauma resources

• DBT-Prolonged Exposure Trauma Treatment
• Cognitive Processing Treatment (CPT)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by

Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone. This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.

Time Stamps

3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted.

5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.

7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task

10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations

11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior

12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments

15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do.

17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve

17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data

20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior

Engage your child into the solution of the problem

24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her

26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior

• Do it without anger or shaming
• Lay out the plan in advance

30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse

32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to.

33:47 Whose problem is it? Remember to work on your part of the problem

34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors

Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it?

Resources:

GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools
Leslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It?

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships. That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN. This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice.

Time Stamps

1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively

• DEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective met
• GIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationship
• FAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect

4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail

• 4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where
• 5:35 E = Express your feelings
• 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request
• 7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person
• 7:55 M = Maintain your focus
• 8:28 A = Appear confident
• 8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want

6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind

9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill

11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill

14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation

15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective

16:52 When to use DEAR MAN

19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice

DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU

DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.