Sometimes when parenting a child that is struggling, tensions arise between the parents. This especially goes for parents with different parenting styles, or those with different levels of experience with young children. This is what Leslie gets into on this week’s episode with Louise and George. In her third and final session with the parents of six-year-old Anna and a newborn baby, Leslie uncovers the vulnerabilities of parents who want to break away from the way they were parented and feel like they want to do better when dealing with their daughter who has intense emotions. This session is a raw look at what it means to make mistakes as a parent and we invite you to listen with compassion and openness.

Time Stamps

• 3:30 How to use the T-graph with your child
• 6:39 Unpacking what it means to be an equitable parent vs being a “secondary” o or “trainee” parent
• 8:35 A dialectic approach to holding both concepts together: being equitable and being a trainee
• 10:50 Making the goal of parenting a process of lifelong learning as your priority
• 11:24 Concepts of worthiness, learning, levels of contribution
• 15:50 How to give feedback to your partner
  • I have an idea that might work for you
  • Is there something I can do to help out here
  • Set the stage - I respect that you are doing the best you can
• 18:39 Dealing with timely matters and feeling the pressure of time: getting to bed, getting out of the house
• 20:27 Celebrating differences in parents so children learn about tolerance and have a chance to learn from each parent
• 22:56 Your child is going to help you learn as well
• 26:00 Golden nuggets from Leslie
  • The qualities that drive you nuts now are going to be positive attributes later
  • The idea that the quality of your child is a reflection of you is a LOT of pressure
  • Focusing on the process rather than the outcome of parenting
• 28:10 Children may only show their big reactions at home and not in public
• 29:30 Being the “trainee parent” doesn’t really exist; we’re all trainees. Have faith in the process
• 36:06 The cost of aggressive anger in a parent and how to be responsible for it
• 38:30 The Three Step Apology
  • State what you did
  • state how you it affected the child and yourself
  • Make an amends: talk about what you will do differently next time
• 40:45 Power struggles with your child
• 41:40 Children help us see what need to work on and we are all parents in training

Resources:

• Leslie’s Blog Posting The Three Step Apology
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Focus on the process of parenting, not just the outcome.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubur

Louise and George have committed to parenting without force and want to parent without punishments or rewards, but what happens when their six year old Anna has what feels like never-ending tantrums? In her second session with them, Leslie reinforces the importance of connection, and sheds light on the pressures Anna may be putting on herself. Leslie also continues her conversation with George about helping him find joy in parenting. In an incredibly honest and vulnerable conversation, they talk about what it feels like when there’s a favored parent, what might be causing this behavior, and what Dad should do to change that.

Time Stamps

• 2:34 How a child’s frustrating attributes will be beautiful qualities when they’re an adult
• 4:05 How noticing and naming a child’s behavior can be effective in helping them change it
• 6:18 Example of how connecting with your child increases cooperation
• 8:27 Defining processing speed
• 9:10 Dealing with what parents would call “temper tantrums,” or what Leslie would say is a child having trouble regulating their emotions
• 12:35 How feeling trapped negatively affects mental health
• 15:45 It’s all about connection and disconnection
• 16:03 Staying one step ahead: Identifying and naming your child’s vulnerabilities as prompting events
• 18:40 How to not reinforce unwanted behaviors by not giving in, but inadvertently reinforcing behavior by ignoring it
• 21:57 Speaking to your child’s expectations that maybe they’re not even aware of
• 24:04 Teaching your child a T graph: when does this quality work for you, when does it not
• 28:07 Discussion of different parenting approaches
• 29:10 Children have a common worry of disappointing their parents
• 33:30 Relationship between mom and child vs dad and child
• 35:35 The challenges of co-parenting: when one parent feels invalidated by the other

Resources:

• Leslie’s Handout: “Staying One Step Ahead of your Child”
• Leslie's Handout: A Visual Presentation of Family Organization
• Leslie’s Handout: Using a T-Graph to Understand our Qualities and our Emotions

Leslie-ism: Try to stay one step ahead of your child.

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Mia Warren, AJ Moultrié, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Leslie delves into one of the most common challenges parents face: how to navigate a strong-willed child who doesn’t do what you want them to do, This is first session with Louise and George who have a 6 year old daughter Anna and a newborn baby. They bring to light the frustration many parents feel when their child refuses to do simple tasks, like brushing teeth or following a bedtime routine. And it is understandable when the frustration leads to the feeling that parenting is like a slog. This episode also focuses on the different parenting styles and how that might be impacting their child’s behavior.

Time Stamps

6:35 Start with Compassion for yourself as a parent since this job is really hard
10:05 Mirror Neurons Children pick up on what the parent is feeling and visa versa
10:40 Patience is needed for when seeking changes in behavior
14:13 Strategies for stepping into a conflict between parent and child

• Be a reporter and name what is happening - give information to others
• Do nothing
• Bait them with “I think you have something very important to say”
• Connect with your child especially when they are pushing you away with their behavior “I am here and I want to hear you”
• “Hitting is working for you but its not working for me”
• Shape the behavior
  • hitting—->yelling
  • yelling—--> using a talking voice

20:35 Yetzer Hara and Yetzer Tov - two ideas from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of A Skinned Knee
23:35 Engage the child in “a plan” in order to problem solve challenging behaviors such as brushing her teeth
27:05 The theme of connection and how important that connection is
27:43 Getting at the root cause using the phrase “you must have a very good reason for (not brushing your teeth) or whatever the behavior is.
29:50 Communication is more than just the words: 70% of communication is nonverbal. Your child is responding to your tone, gestures and facial expressions.
33:10 Ask yourself how can parents have fun at the job of parenting
37:07 Connect first and then ask for the cooperation

Resources::

• Wendy Mogel’s Book: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook and Instagram. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Leslie-ism: Connection is the foundation for cooperation.