I grew up Catholic.  But I was a born non-believer, doubter, contrarian who just couldn't get with the program.  Yet, there I was kneeling and praying and shouting to the highest mountain and going through the motions but petrified that I was going to Hell because I didn't feel the spirit.  Any spirit.  In fact, I was pretty certain the whole thing was silly.  And that is why I should be your life coach and spiritual guru.  I have seen both sides of the issue.  I am objective.  And I care.  I want you to thrive.  Let's get started.  

In this episode I describe how I hoped my First Communion would solve all my "I don't feel what everyone else feels" problems with growing up Catholic and how that worked out.  The last straw was a Good Friday celebration when I was in 3rd grade.  Being a believer was just not in the cards for me.  I also discuss a 9 year old crush I had on a married woman (she was so HOT) and my addiction to sound effects which I overuse in this episode and others.  My apologies.  I love cartoon sound effects.  

When did I first get the idea I could save the world?  Or short of that, help one person?  Listen and find out.  Did your Mom make a birthday on Christmas for the Baby Jesus?  Mine did.  It felt really weird singing Happy Birthday to a ceramic figurine in a Nativity scene.  Those of us who were subjected to this type of thing need to talk about it.  Did you ever ask God to prove His existence so you could stop doubting?  I did.  Hear what deals I offered God in return for Proof of His Existence and if I ever heard from Him in this episode.  And most important, as your life coach I tell you how many of the Ten Commandments you really need to follow to get into Heaven... if it exists.

If there is a Heaven and you make the cut and get in do we really get to sit at the right hand of God the Father Almighty?  Do some of us get to occasionally sit in His hand?  What happens out on His left side?  Does praying help?  I have written a prayer, The An Agnostic's Guide to Heaven Prayer, that could be said in public schools.  Please listen to it and include it in your daily rituals.  Do you think you're holy?  Take my Bible Quiz and see if you really do know your Bible and if you are truly holy or need to do some work.  Already I am getting some emails from you listeners and I answer a few in this episode.  There is a lot of anger out there amongst people who think I have been sacrilegious in the first three episodes but I remind you that your's is not to judge and thou shalt not kill.  Four way stops are the core of the American personality and democracy.  This is key life coach advice.  Work the four way stop correctly and you can Make America Great Again.  Listen and learn why.

Where do psychopaths come from and what you can do if you don't want to create anymore of them?  The Burning Man Festival.  Stay away.  I will tell you why.  I used to shop where super-model Cindy Crawford did when we lived in Los Angeles.  I learned a lot about sex from walking behind Cindy Crawford.  In fact, I wouldn't be a life coach today were it not for Cindy.  Metoo#, you can learn a thing or two from my experiences at the Brentwood Whole Foods where I'd run into Cindy and other beautiful women, including a super-model in distress.  It's one of the most important experiences of my life and I'd like to share it with you.  Men are puppy dogs that mean well.  I'll explain why.  Want to end world wars and strife?  Hear how we can do it.  And Hitler didn't have to be Hitler.  Follow my life coach advice and help Save the World from future Hitlers.

In this episode I explain why I think people who go to Renaissance Festivals are sick freaks and you should, too.  Unless you've dated someone who was really into these bizarro world festivals you do not know what I know.  Listen and learn.  If there is a God, and I am not saying there is but, would He/She/It be cool with comedians lying?  Yes.  I explain why in this episode and give a perfect example of why when I recall the best radio phone prank of my broadcasting career- the day I convinced Mrs. Butterball, live on the air, I had a live turkey in my bathtub.  

Hello, 

What is it like for 6th grade boys to get their sex ed. from sex-hating Catholic nuns?  How much damage was done to our psyches?  Have you ever sat on a Malibu beach with a very attractive blonde in a string bikini who 18 months later would become a Norbertine nun?  Well, I have.  Did you know that one of the miracles St. Norbert performed that qualified him for sainthood was not being killed by a poisonous spider in his nose?  The I prove to the doubters that Gays are born gay, it is NOT a lifestyle choice. I also finally get the right SFX to act as an audio Yellow Highlighter pen.  And after getting some haters gonna' hate emails live on the air from a conservative I describe how I knew I was a liberal when I was 10.  

Why do I tell you all these stories?  I firmly believe these stories provide life lessons which will help you become a better person and thus less annoying to me.  What do you have to lose except 20:31 seconds of your day?

in this episode of An Agnostic's Guide to Heaven I try not to use sound effects and describe a fool-proof and money making plan for WORLD PEACE!  I can come up with a plan like that because I understand why we are friends with some countries and why we are not.  I also answer some listeners emailed in questions concerning if there is a religion that I could accept.  Yes, and it involves peanut butter.