In today’s episode, Leslie speaks with special guest, Dr. Lorie Ritschel, a board-certified dialectic behavior therapist, and discusses the impact of chronic invalidation, trauma and shame in regards to both parents and children. Lorie emphasizes the importance of understanding and addressing shame in children, noting that parents often underestimate its punishing effects. She explains DBT-PE, a treatment that combines dialectical behavior therapy with prolonged exposure to treat trauma.

Time Stamps

4:22 Defining Trauma - Criterion A and Traumatic Chronic Invalidation

9:00 and 11:26 Trauma Treatments - DBT-PE and CPT

• You are working to create corrective learning
• Trauma treatment is really tough, its like psychology Iron Man
• In vivo exposures - learning to do the things that are hard for you to do
• Imaginal exposures - where you talk about the trauma
• Processing - what can you learn from your exposures and how can you shift your perspective

14:00 Discussing the emotion of Shame

14:40 Parents are part of creating the internal dialogue of emotions within their child and they have the ability to impact their child’s understanding of emotions

16:20 Parents underestimate how punishing shame is to a child

17:05 Discussion on being how to be reinforcer of behaviors and punisher of behaviors by matching the intensity of your child’s behavior

18:05 Some kids go into a shame spiral and others don’t. DON”T make assumptions about your child

19:24 Examples of implicit and explicit learning

20:55 When shame is very visible in your child -

• If a child hides their face or hides under covers
• They say “I’m bad”
• You can use the line “can you give yourself permission to make a mistake?”

21:21 Watch out for the quiet child who internalize their emotions

22:14 Create a framework in your home to talk about emotions

22:50 High, Low, Buffalo Game - a great substitute for “how was your day at school”

25:25 The benefits of Observational learning

26:38 Discussion of Invalidation for the neurodivergent child

28::43 Other examples of ways parents can invalidate their child

31:00 Having a trusted adult to speak to is key for a child who feels invalidation from their differentness

Leslie-ism: When expressing disappointment to your child, a light touch is enough.

Resources:

Lorie Ritschel’s Website: Triangle Area Psychology Clinic (TAP)

E-Learning Courses through the TAP clinic

How to use High Low Buffalo Conversation Starter

Trauma resources

• DBT-Prolonged Exposure Trauma Treatment
• Cognitive Processing Treatment (CPT)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by

Parents often go to therapy when the rewards and punishment no longer work because trying to get your child to do what you need them to do can be very challenging. And when the parent’s anxiety gets added to that mix, the result is frustrating and overwhelming for everyone. This is the final session with Nicky and AJ as they discuss getting their 11 year old daughter Lilly off to school each day and getting her to clean up after herself.

Time Stamps

3:46 Ask yourself “did it feel more effective to do something different” and "did it feel better to you?” whether or not, we got the outcome that we wanted.

5:05 What its like to live with someone who does not complete a task, often someone with ADHD.

7:33 Bring mindfulness skills to the person who doesn’t complete a task

10:25 Make expectations explicit because everyone may have different expectations

11:58 Example of parent using rewards to change your child’s behavior

12:47 Discussion of rewards and punishments

15:15 Using rewards is a way to manage and control behavior, it may not actually teach her to develop behavior that she doesn’t want to do.

17:09 Assess the problem that you want to solve

17:50 Keep track of the behavior - collect data

20:17 Determine whose problem is it? Start by changing your behavior

Engage your child into the solution of the problem

24:50 When you understand something about your child, be sure to verbalize it to her

26:38 Setting up contingency plan when there is a pattern of problematic behavior

• Do it without anger or shaming
• Lay out the plan in advance

30:32 A Parent’s anxiety usually makes your children’s anxiety worse

32:26 Fighting reality vs accepting reality when your child doesn’t do things the way you want them to.

33:47 Whose problem is it? Remember to work on your part of the problem

34:19 Practicing mindfulness skills for ADHD behaviors

Leslie-ism: In moments of stress or anxiety ask yourself “whose problem is it?

Resources:

GIVE Skill Handout by DBT.tools
Leslie's Handout on Whose Problem Is It?

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

Making requests, saying no, and having hard conversations is part of all relationships. And it's rather easy to see how common misunderstandings and conflict ensues in our interpersonal relationships. That's because we are not born with accurate and effective communications skills. This mini bonus episode is about learning and practicing the DBT skill called DEAR MAN. This is a conversation between Leslie and her producer, Alletta Cooper where they give an in-depth description of what the skill is and then how to put it into practice.

Time Stamps

1:41 DEAR MAN GIVE FAST is the DBT acronym to help us communicate accurately and more effectively

• DEAR MAN - The goal is to get your objective met
• GIVE Skills - The goal is about tending to the relationship
• FAST Skills - The goal is to focus on your self-respect

4:51 DEARMAN skill described in detail

• 4:51 D = Describe the facts - the who, what, when and where
• 5:35 E = Express your feelings
• 5:55 A = Ask for what you want - make your request
• 7:03 R = Reinforce what’s in it for the other person
• 7:55 M = Maintain your focus
• 8:28 A = Appear confident
• 8:32 N = Negotiate if necessary -sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want

6:40 Using the skill helps you stay in wise mind

9:32 Role play not using the DEAR MAN skill

11:29 Role play using the DEAR MAN skill

14:38 Timing is an important factor when having difficult conversation

15:10 Using time limits on having conversation is often very effective

16:52 When to use DEAR MAN

19:00 Write it down and practice it over and over again

Resources:

Leslie’s Handout on DEAR MAN DBT Skill based on example in the bonus episode and worksheet for practice

DEARMAN How to communicate Assertively - DBT-RU

DBT Skill: The Most Effective Way to Make a Request by Sunrise Treatment Center

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

We take you “behind the scenes” of what happened before the session officially started. This episode with Nicky and AJ begins with a communication breakdown. We all struggle at times communicating with our kids, our partners or other family members. You will learn what happens when shame is in the drivers seat of your life and when shame runs in the family like with AJ and their 11 year old daughter, Lily. The episode also emphasizes the importance of vulnerability for personal growth and effective parenting. Leslie introduces the Dialectic Behavior Skill called DEAR MAN and puts it into practice.

Time Stamps

3:50 How to talk without shaming and blaming or without ignoring the problem

8:02 and 26:05 Talking about trauma is very difficult and can be very anxiety provoking

11:06 Description of the DBT DEARMAN skill

• Describe, Express, Ask for what you want, Reinforce it for the other person, Maintain focus, Appear confident, Negotiate when needed

16:10 Example of using the DEAR MAN

23:32 and 40:40 Timing is very important when trying to have a conversation

24:30 People who feel invalidated react with anger, shutting down or start defending themselves

27:05 Remember to learn from “misbehavior” - “what can I do differently next time?”

32:10 Shame is an emotion that makes us feel like “a bad person” vs guilt is a justified emotion when our behavior goes against our values

32:06 and 33:00 Dialectic Behavior Therapy’s Opposite Action

• Go opposite to the urge of the emotion
• The urge associated with shame is to hide
• Go opposite to shame when it is not justified
• Go all the way

35:27 Example of using Opposite Action Skill

38:26 AJ’s aha moment that both he and his daughter can feel attacked when someone wants you to do something

43:58 Practice being vulnerable

Leslie-ism: Give yourself permission to be vulnerable.

Resources:

Dialectic Behavior Therapy DEARMAN Skill by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy Opposite Action Skill by DBT.Tools

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music. Graphics and Website Design by Brien O’Reilly. Transcriptions by Eric Rubury. A special thanks to everyone who contributes their wisdom and support to make this possible.

How do you deal with your child’s anger and defiant behaviors? One place to start is to look at what you as parents bring to the table and how that impacts your child. This is the second session with Nicky and AJ who are seeking help for their 11 year old daughter Lily. We cover a wide range of topics from the emotional topics of trauma and anger to learning some practical communication skills.

Time Stamps

3:00 Pausing, listening, validating and being curious was effective for communication with their teen

7:08 The DBT GIVE skill - a skill to tend to the relationship (see handout below)

8:34 The DBT STOP skill (see handout below)

11:08 It's okay to say to your child “I don’t know what to do in this moment”. Be honest

13:59 Trauma work for Childhood Trauma - chronic invalidation

• Trauma lives in your body (See Book Link below)
• 14:55 Definition of Trauma
• 21:55 Treatment options (See Handout below)

19:50 Parents who want to stop the the cycle of trauma, cycle of fear, the cycle of invalidation so it doesn’t get passed on to your child

20:20 Parents who want to do better, who need to do better so they can break that cycle

20:30 Every step makes a difference

21:12 Talking about trauma alone does not treat trauma - Analogy to having a splinter and talking about the splinter

22:15 Mistaken Core Beliefs that develop with traumatic experiences - I am not safe, I am not capable, I am not loveable

25:00 Parents can take responsibility for their actions when you yell or invalidate their child

27:17 People/kids may shut down or get angry when they feel invalidated. Ask the question, “What did I just say that may have been invalidating to you?”

28:44 The parenting dialectic: I am trying my best AND I still need to do more

30:25 Three Step Apology to take responsibility when you behave in a way that is problematic

31;58 Assess the prompting events that lead to her emotional dsyregulation

34:10 Defiance and anger can be a secondary emotion to anxiety or overwhelm

32:41 Use context such as timing when trying to understand problematic behavior

40:49 Habituation is the act of getting used to something through repetition

41::00 Dialectic thinking to help her get into the shower (examples)

43:15 Parenting GOAL: Is to connect to your child by making sure they feel understood and respected.

Leslie-ism: Take a stand and STOP harmful generational patterns

Resources:

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD

The Three Step Apology by Leslie Cohen-Rubury

Dialectic Behavior Therapy: The GIVE Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Dialectic Behavior Therapy. The STOP Skill Handout and Practice Sheet by DBT.Tools

Trauma Treatment Resources:

• Dialectic Behavior Therapy Prolonged Exposure - DBT- PE
• Prolonged Exposure
• Cognitive Processing Therapy - CPT

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook,

Parents often wonder why their children won’t do what they ask them to do. This often creates conflict and disrespect in the family system. And for the parent, it's very confusing and irritating when you “couldn’t get away with that” when you were a child. In this episode, Nicky and AJ share their concerns, frustrations and fears regarding their 11 year old daughter, Lily. Lily has had big emotional reactions throughout her life and Nicky and AJ are fearful for her teenage years. They also admit to their own challenges with emotion regulation. In this episode, we focus on assessing and problem solving Lily's communication as well as managing expectations in the family. We also work on turning conflict into collaboration and respect.

Time Stamps

4:47 Name your fears and get them out of the way of parenting

7:32 Go below the surface of Defiance, anger and meltdowns - you don’t see the anxiety and sensitivity

8:00 Metaphor of the iceberg

8:48 #1 goal - help you the parents understand what’s happening

8:54 #2 goal - give you skill and strategies

9:01 Assumption: She’s doing the best she can at the present time

9:58 Shifting perspective from FINDING FAULT—-- TO FINDING UNDERSTANDING

16:20 Being misunderstood leads to feeling invalidated and can lead to anger

16:56 When Anger helps you to understand your child what’s really going on

It's important to assess if “she can’t or she won’t” distinction when talking

18:40 Alexathymia - difficulty expressing feelings

19:42 Metaphor of the flashlight vs turning a light on in the room to help someone talk

21:20 Getting the quiet teen to talk

• Give her space and time
• Invite her to share when she’s ready
• Validate and give her a moment- this lets her know you are there
• Use statements rather than questions
• Warning: don’t add the BUT
• Using rating scales

29:20 Using Defiance, disobedience as a means to understanding what’s going on with your child

34:05 Some kids get overwhelmed by the demands of life and helping her managing expectations

36:50 A new perspective on defiant behaviors and why that’s parenting “gold”

39:43 Why regulating the underlying (primary) problem/emotion is more effective

41:25 Practice using PAUSE to regulate your emotions

Resources:

Handout on Assessment Scale for Alexathymia

Leslie's Video: Metaphor of Why people shut down in conversations

Metaphor of the Iceberg: Leslie's blog on how misbehavior is a form of communication

Leslie-ism: We don’t need to find fault, we need to find understanding

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and YouTube. Join the conversation with your own questions and parenting experiences.

Credits: Is My Child a Monster? is produced by Alletta Cooper, Camila Salazar, and Leslie Cohen-Rubury. Theme music is by L-Ray Music

In this episode, Leslie and special guest Jen Sims, a licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist, talk about the importance of play. Jen explains that play is the language of children, allowing them to express emotions and experiences. She specializes in Non-directive Play Therapy, which involves creating an environment where children can fully engage in play without feeling hurried. Jen emphasizes the principles of empathy, congruence, and unconditional positive regard, and discusses how play therapy can help children heal from trauma, behavioral issues, and other challenges.

Time Stamps

2:06 Play is the story that kids are writing about themselves

2:25 Definition of Play Therapy and the kinds of therapy

3:35 Reasons why children may go to therapy

5:47 Carl Rogers A person centered therapist: 3 tenets of his therapy

• Empathy
• Congruence
• Unconditional Positive Regard

5:55 Virginia Axline developed Non-Directive Play Therapy - 8 principles (see show notes for more formal list)

6:35 Definition of Unconditional positive regard doesn’t mean I love your behavior..it means I love you

7:45 Explaining the non-directive part of non-directive play therapy

8:20 Trust the child to move towards healing

10:45 Mirroring and attunement is something parents can also do at home to enrich and depend their relationship with their child

12:35 Children play in themes

15:35 Description of Fiial Play Therapy that parents can do it at home

17:15 Explaining the process of attunement

20:44 Setting limits around safety and other things requires consistency

22:59 Both Parents and children need empathy to feel understood

25:31 AutPlay is play therapy specifically designed for Neurodivergent kids

28:37 Jen’s advice for parents -

31:35 We can trust children to lead the way with creative solutions towards their own healing

Resources:

Video of Play as a form of communication

Jen Sims Website at the Redwood Center for Children And Families

Jen Sims Instagram

Article on Non-directive Play Therapy and The Underlying Principles by Cognitive Behavioral Play Therapy

Filial Play Therapy

AutPlay Therapy Resources

Registration for Leslie’s NEABPD Webinar on “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What Is It and What To Do About IT

Leslie-ism: Set aside 20 minutes to let your child lead the way in play

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcasts/ . You can also follow Leslie’s work on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok and

It's not unusual to feel stuck or trapped as a parent. Having options is the antidote to that feeling. You have options for how you think, how you behave, how you deal with emotions. And those options put you in the drivers seat…you get to see and feel the choices you have and you get to choose! This episode is the third and final episode with Jean and Alex who are dealing with their 6 year old daughter’s big emotions. We focus on how to change your mindset and review several coping strategies to help your child.

Time Stamps

3: 22 Naming the skill - dialectic dilemmas and dialectic synthesis

4:20 The dialectic dilemma is between the child’s needs and the parent’s needs.

5:15 Having options is a necessary element in our mental health - Noticing your “choices”

7:10 Helping parents helps our children: realizing that your mood impacts your child’s mood

11:50 GIve your child (or anyone) permission to actually have the big emotions

13:20 Main dialectic dilemma between Acceptance and Change

• Acceptance often is needed first - it’s more effective to accept the moment before you try to change what’s happening
• First thing to do: Acknowledge the big emotion.
• Then move onto solving the problem

20:25 A description of three states of mind (illustration of states of mind in show notes)

22: 50 Take your time teaching these skills to your child: repeat it, use different metaphors, say it differently, use different examples

25:00 Skills to use to move your child from emotion mind to wise mind

• Acknowledge that your child is in emotion mind: Name it
• Rate it
• Distraction
• Flexible thinking - dialectic thinking with the magic AND
• Ice pack across your eyes, or face plant into a bowl of cold water
• Breathing Exercises (see Link to handout below)
• Puzzles, activities

25:44 Explaining how to move from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic nervous system to help us regulate

31:41 Do you feel different? Is the helpful question

34:32 weave the DBT skills and emotional regulation language into your everyday language.

36:13 Exposure work can be done as gentle exercises to help your child with uncomfortable situations

• Start easy and work you way up to harder situations
• Mantra: I’m scared and I can do it anyway
• STAY present
• Have faith that your child can do it

The goal is not to avoid the problem, the goal is to be reduce your emotion and return to the problem

Resources:

NEABPD free Webinar presented by Leslie Cohen-Rubury titled “Defiance, Disrespect and Disobedience: What it is and What to do about it.” Click here to register

Handout on Mindfulness Breathing Exercises

Video on three states of mind

Leslie-ism: When you feel stuck, look for the options (I promise you they are there)

For a full transcript of this episode and more information about the host visit https://lesliecohenrubury.com/podcas