#19 – If I had to Do it All Over Again

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

[Overview -Main points]

1. What I wish I would have done differently,

2. What I wish I was told and

3. What I wish I had available to me in My Journey of Healing from Sexual Abuse

Do you want to know what I wish I had known if I could do it all over again? There are things I wish I had known—things that could have made healing less overwhelming and more hopeful.

Accepting the Truth

I didn’t doubt my own memories. My family was bullying me to doubt myself. Now this was a big deal because I always doubted myself. I had extremely low self-worth and was insecure. I felt broken. But after being sober, and seeing the truth for the first time in my life, feeling robbed of my childhood, I wasn’t going to let them rob me of my own truth, my own memories that haunted me.

I couldn’t doubt them if I wanted to. They came through, I saw my past, and started to understand why I had so heavily drank or did drugs at such a young age - to numb out those memories that kept pushing their way to the surface. Discovering the truth was something my family did not want me to talk about.

Now, this is the part I want to talk to you about because it was at this time when I needed help. Real help. Help specific to my abuse. I had no idea where to get it.

What I would have done differently with the knowledge I have now is first get help immediately. Do not worry if it is okay to reach out for help.

Now, what type of help? Don’t waste time trying anything but finding a therapist or coach or a place to go that specializes in sexual abuse. It’s that simple. You don’t go to a knee doctor if you have a problem with your eyes. You go to a specialist. Same with mental health.

So to recap: what would I do differently? I would find help immediately and I would go where they specialize in sexual abuse or my type of trauma.

What I wish I was told.

If I could go back, there are the messages I would have desperately wanted for someone to tell me during my most difficult moments. One is that healing is possible and that I can feel whole again [Listen to the podcast for more].

What I wish I had available to me.

I wish I had known the importance of having the right resources and support. Healing from sexual abuse is incredibly hard to do alone. I needed a guide to help me navigate the process, and eventually after a couple of years, I found a therapist who specialized in sexual abuse. I grew more with her help than through any other outlets.

Here’s a glance at this episode…

- [5:36] But this truth, although horrible, those memories gave me some type of hope that I was the way I was because of them and maybe I could change that.

- [8:11] If you have been sexually abused, get help. Do not make excuses such as this is a private matter. When I hear people say that-I hear a person who is stuck and will stay stuck until they reach out for help.

- [10:48] I would want someone to tell me that I am not damaged because of what happened to me. The abuse was something inflicted upon me, not a reflection of my worth or value as a person.

- [12:44] The stigma and blame that survivors often face can feel unbearable. I wish someone had told me that I would be okay, despite what society, my community, or even my family might project onto me.

- [17:28] I promised after I had raised my children that I would create a product that would help other survivors not waste precious time searching for help.

Isn’t it time you invest in the right resources to get you closer to being free from your past?

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough with learning about what can save you time in your healing journey by accepting your truth, learning from the right messages, and finding the right resources to get you on the right path!

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What are boundaries and why are they so important, especially to survivors of sexual abuse? Why does your communication style matter when setting boundaries? How do you respond to others disbelief when you come forward? Learn how to assess how you set boundaries now and what needs to change in order to set healthy boundaries. Learn the tools you need to know how to set boundaries to those who do not have your best interest.

When you don’t know how to set boundaries you can be too trusting or share too much to people who are not supportive of your needs. On the other hand, holding your past inside for years or decades can impact you physically and mentally.

Not knowing how to assert you needs can make you feel like you are not in control of your life. Not knowing how to set boundaries can make you feel voiceless.

Setting boundaries represents how you feel inside. When you set boundaries, you are demonstrating to yourself and to the world that you accept yourself, you value yourself, and believe that you deserve to be treated with respect.

In this episode, which is part II of the 2-part series on Boundaries, I define what boundaries are, help you assess your boundary style currently and give real-life examples of how to set boundaries to people in your life. I also have a bonus section in this episode where you can click the link to download called Assessing Your Boundaries form and the HEAL Setting Boundaries form.

Today, you’ll will hear about:

7:23- Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others.

9:30- Setting healthy personal boundaries … comes as you are getting stronger in the process of healing and from understanding your self-worth.

12:57- A friend is not a professional … and can make you feel misunderstood or … they may not know how to comfort you. Not because they don’t want to but because they are not familiar with how to address the information shared with them.

22:17- When you have been sexually abused, you can find yourself surrounded by boundary violating people.

25:08- Now Creating boundaries can cause a sense of guilt because you may feel that you are hurting someone’s feelings.

25:45- Boundaries define who you are as an individual. They outline your likes and dislikes and expose your weaknesses.

28:00- Setting and maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially in the face of disbelief and invalidation.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough learning how to set boundaries!

Click here to listen!

Rate it, Review it, and Follow me on Apple Podcasts!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out.

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#17 – Why Setting Boundaries Is So Hard - Part I

The Wendy M. Johnson Show

Why is setting boundaries so hard and what barriers stop you from speaking up? Letting go of your ‘old roles,’ separating yourself from the abuse, and finding your true authentic self is vital to learning how to set boundaries.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where someone said something offensive to you and you did not know how to respond? And there was that awkward pause in the conversation.

Or maybe it happens to you a lot and you don’t know why. Well, get ready because this episode goes deep into what holds you back from setting boundaries and it’s not just about knowing the right words to say, it’s much deeper than that.

Let’s be honest, the thought of setting boundaries is uncomfortable for anyone, and especially for survivors. You might think it is so much easier not to say anything and continue to let others treat you horribly but actually that route takes so much more effort and diminishes your self-worth.

At the end of the day, people just want to feel they are respected in all their relationships, but why is it so hard, especially for survivors?

In this episode, which is part I of a 2-part series, I reveal what barriers stop you from setting boundaries, and dive deep into how the ‘roles’ you took on after the abuse affect you, how a victim identity can overshadow asserting your needs and why tapping into your authentic self helps you to set clear boundaries.

Today, you will hear about:

- [2:43] The boundaries we set or don’t set showcase the insecurities and strengths we feel.

- [8:32] If you blame yourself for the abuse then it is really hard to set boundaries … because you start to see yourself as the problem in arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings.

- [16:08] The Struggle with a victim identity is that as a survivor you can often internalize the role of a victim, … When you view yourself primarily through the lens of your victimization, it becomes challenging to assert your needs and limits.

- [20:38] …You will find setting boundaries to be more comfortable because you will have a healthier self-worth and that brings about self-respect and when you respect yourself, you will respect your needs and how to express them.

- [24:19] You can control how others treat you now as an adult by healing and restoring your self-worth.

Listen in, get ready to take some notes, and get ready for your next breakthrough learning about why setting boundaries is so hard!

Click here to listen!

Also, if you haven’t done so already, follow the podcast. I’m uploading new bonus episodes to the feed and, if you’re not following, there’s a good chance you’ll miss out. Follow Now!

Download:

HEAL® Setting Boundaries Form